Where does the time go? I haven't written in a while. Like anything, my inspiration comes in stages. The October Capture Your Grief event gave me reason to write so much about our Patricia, and I really enjoyed spending time with her. Meanwhile, our lives with Anna push forward.
On November 8th, Anna turned 10 months old. On the 13th, she was 7 months adjusted for prematurity. Like any typical parents, our lives revolve around her schedule. No doubt about it, Anna is spoiled. She has been through so much that we usually give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. That worked for a while. Unfortunately, A few weeks ago, we came to the realization we had a sleep monster! Anna would only fall asleep when she was nursing or taking a bottle, and if she woke up without a nipple in her mouth, she screamed bloody murder! We had become so used to her eating and sleeping whenever she needed to that we failed to consider this might not last forever and that eventually mommy might need more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night. When she started waking up every hour and refusing to go back down, we knew we had to make a change.
Thus began the Googling. Sleep training this, gentle parenting that; I am practically a professional Googler. Like any parent, I wanted a quick fix and for Anna to all of a sudden start sleeping 12 hours with 1-2 wake ups to eat after which she would settle right back down to sleep. But which way is best? It is hard enough to see her cry during the medical procedures and shots she has to endure and articles like
this piled on the guilt when we considered traditional "sleep training." I became increasingly frustrated. What is this magical thing where babies are put down awake and just fall asleep?
While things like sleep training and ultimately balancing our needs with Anna's make me feel like a "normal" parent, I can't help but feel our history makes it harder. How can we think about letting Anna cry when I would give anything to be able to cuddle and comfort Patricia? Not to mention the preemie mommy guilt that creeps in from the early days in Anna's life in the NICU when all we wanted to do was pick her up and comfort her but we could not. Hasn't she been through enough? I find myself wishing for and thinking we deserve, an easier baby. I love her, sometimes I resent her, and even though I know it's no one's fault because hey, she's a baby and we're doing the best we can, the guilt can be crushing. I feel guilt when I wonder if there was something we could have done differently to make this all easier. If I let Anna cry even a few minutes while I wallow and struggle to get up for the umpteenth time, I am ashamed to face her and I dread the morning when I wonder if she will resent me for letting her cry.
I admit a large part of my problem was/is impatience. Every day at work I would read about a new step we should implement, and every night when it didn't work I wanted to abandon it and start over. It seemed like all the books and blogs gave great advice on how to get baby to sleep, but no advice for what to do if baby refuses and starts screaming her little head off! Ultimately, we did implement some of the strategies I read about but like all else with parenting, we just had to make a solution that worked for us and we'll do it until it doesn't work any more.
Some nights are good. She goes right down, wakes up twice to eat and goes back down easily in her Rock n Play next to our bed. Some nights, like last night, are bad. She wakes up multiple times screaming and refuses to be anywhere other than our arms or on the boob. (I blame gas and/or teething). The key is to stay the course and support each other as parents. No blame or judgement on middle of the night decisions, but don't be afraid to offer a different solution if you feel strongly enough about it.
This is the goal, and oh what a beautiful sight it is!
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