We were scheduled early in the morning on Thursday, March 29th, 2012. When we arrived, the nurse took us right back to ground zero. Again, she put gel on my belly and started up the machine. I held Cliff’s hand as she confirmed that our first child was no longer living. Before coming in that morning, we had decided to try to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl. But baby’s legs were crossed tightly and we couldn’t see. We were meant to be surprised upon delivery, just like we had planned. My Dr. checked me and said that my body hadn’t made any progress on its own. This was not surprising, but could make the induction harder. She said she had alerted labor and delivery that I would arrive at 3pm that afternoon to begin the induction. She again warned me that the process could take many hours, especially since I was a first time mom and it was just too soon. Although she wouldn’t be in labor and delivery that day, she was scheduled to be on call on Friday so she would be with me all day and all night.
When we left the hospital, Cliff and I tried to think of ways to pass the time. We stopped by a bookstore to get some reading material for the hospital. A few doors down from there was the AAA travel agency. We decided to stop in for a bit and do some vacation planning. At the time, we just wanted to get away. We talked with the agent about Mexico and the Caribbean, and got some magazines to take with us. As we were leaving, she asked when I was due. I broke down and we ran out and drove home.
My parents picked us up around 2:30pm and we headed to the hospital. We brought our hospital bag with pajamas, snacks, water, books, and computers. I was scared, but calm. We took the elevator up to the second floor, just like we had been told to at the birthing seminar Cliff and I attend a couple of weeks prior. When we got to the maternity floor, we forgot our way and walked into the postpartum side. We asked where to check in and the nurse said cheerfully “oops, back to the other side! You’ll be back here later!” We wouldn’t. At that point I started crying and followed as we were guided to the labor and delivery side. The nurse behind the desk first motioned to the sign in sheets but upon realizing who we were, she quietly led us to our room. It was isolated, away from the others, and the staff had placed a white flower on the door to signify the purpose of our visit.
We had some time to get acquainted with our room before our first nurse came to introduce herself. She brought me all of the forms to fill out and helped me get into the hospital gown and figure out how to use the adjustable bed. Then the waiting began. They had to receive instructions from the Dr. on call regarding my first dosage. In the meantime, the nurse placed a hep lock on my left wrist and told me a little about pain management. Then, more waiting. At 5pm, she came back in and administered my first dose of Cytotec. According to the Dr., I was to receive additional doses every four hours. Therefore, the waiting continued.
I sat in the bed and Cliff and my parents were scattered around the room. We read through the folder of information the hospital gave us about stillbirth and talked about the vacation we were thinking of taking. A few visitors from church stopped by to talk to Mom, but I wasn’t up for seeing anyone. Eventually, Mom and Dad decided to go get some dinner. My Dr. said I could eat or drink whatever I wanted, so they were going to meet my brother for dinner and bring back some for Cliff and me. While they were gone, Cliff and I tried to give each other support and distract ourselves by reading, getting on the computer, and watching tv. At some point, the night nurse came in to check on us and introduce herself. Her name was Janet. Mom and my brother arrived back at the hospital first. They had stopped by Buy Buy Baby to pick up something for our baby to wear, a blue outfit and a pink outfit. Dad had to wait for our food to be cooked before returning. When he arrived, we ate our burgers and French fries. Then, the five of us sat in my hospital room and talked about random things. We even laughed a few times. Looking back, I think we were all in such a state of shock that we weren’t allowing ourselves to feel the weight of all the sadness surrounding the event. We were looking forward to meeting the newest member of our family.
By 9pm, I was starting to feel some small contractions and it was time for my second dose of Cytotec. This time, the dosage was doubled. Not too long after that, my family left to go home. We all wanted to try to get as much sleep as possible because we expected Friday to be a long, rough day. After they left, Cliff and I again tried to distract ourselves. We discovered that reading was tough, since we would read and re-read the same sentence over and over and still not comprehend its meaning. We browsed the internet, and watched Netflix on my ipad. A couple of weeks before, we had started watching the tv show Monk from the beginning, so we saw a couple of episodes of that. My contractions started picking up, and I had a monitor on my belly so we could see them on the screen. When Janet came back for my third dose at 1am, they were getting pretty uncomfortable. I knew I did not want to “be a martyr” as the first Dr. put it, meaning natural childbirth was no longer my plan. However, I also did not want to receive demerol through an IV because I wanted to be in a conscious state of mind when my child was born. Although I knew I would likely choose to get an epidural, I did not want to get one this early because I was afraid it would slow down my labor. At this point, I was only 1cm dilated. (This is where I should have asked more questions. Little did I know, nothing could stop or slow down contractions induced with Cytotec!) I agreed to take a couple of sleeping pills. We hoped it would help me relax and possibly sleep for a few hours despite the contractions.
Our plan did not work. By 2am, my contractions were very strong and painful. Cliff was lying behind me in the hospital bed trying to rub my back and comfort me as I cried out, but there was little he could do to lessen the pain. We called for Janet and requested an epidural. I did not realize how long it would take the anesthesiologist to get to us. That hour of waiting was the most difficult hour of my life. I was hooked up to the IV machine in order to receive fluids. My contractions were coming one right after the other with no break in between and they were very powerful. I was trying to remember everything we had learned in birthing class and I was yelling at Cliff “I’m breathing, I’m breathing.” I got up and walked around, I leaned over the bed with Cliff rubbing my lower back, I held on to Cliff as tight as I could, but nothing helped. The emotional pain we were both feeling magnified the physical pain I felt from the contractions. It seemed so unfair. Finally, at 3am, the anesthesiologist was ready. I signed the paperwork mid-contraction and sat facing sideways on the bed. I was told to lean over and arch my back and remain still, which is quite hard when you are in active labor! The pain of the needle shocked me and Cliff says he will never forget the face I made as it went in. Then I could feel the cold anesthetic flowing and I willed it to take effect quickly. The Dr. said it could take up to 45 minutes to be in full effect. As the minutes passed, I could feel the pain of the contractions lightening. However, there was a “hot spot” running right down my belly that was still feeling a lot of pain and the Dr. had to put more anesthetic in and have me lie on my side so it would be sure to get to that area. By 4am, the epidural was in full effect and I was able to relax. At this point, the nurse checked me and I was dilated to 5cm and fully effaced.
Cliff and I decided to try to get some sleep. He and Janet rearranged the furniture in the room so that he could pull out the small bed in the loveseat, but he felt too far away and eventually sat in a chair next to the bed so he could be closer to me. Due to the combination of being tired after the contractions, the epidural, and the sleeping pills, I fell into a deep sleep rather quickly.
At 7:30am, the daytime nurse came in to introduce herself and check my progress. When she lifted my sheet open, she discovered our baby lying peacefully between my legs, still in her amniotic sac. She left to get my Dr. while Cliff called home to let Mom and Dad know to come back to the hospital. I was still waking up when my Dr. came in and we were all surprised to discover that I had delivered a perfect little angel while I slept. It was if my body and our child wanted to give me the gift of avoiding the emotional and physical pain of the final stages of labor. I am grateful for that gift.
My Dr. lifted our baby onto a holder. She opened the sac, cut and clamped the umbilical cord and then placed our firstborn into my arms in a blanket with tiny footprints on it. She told us that we were the parents of a baby girl. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that after all of this, I had a beautiful baby girl, and I was going to have to say goodbye to her. In my mind I begged her to cry out and to take a breath. I begged for it all to be a mistake. Cliff captured a few of our first moments as a family with our camera. We cried over her tiny little body and I did not want to let her go. We told her her name was Patricia Kirsten. When I became calm again, we agreed to let the nurses take her and clean her up and put her little pink outfit on.
Soon after my family arrived, the nurse brought Patricia back in to her family. She was in her pink sleeper and hat and wrapped in a yellow knit blanket. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful. The shape of her eyes and nose were just like Cliff’s. Her lips were delicate and red. Her hands and feet were the most precious in the world. She was our baby. They told us she weighed 4 pounds and 2 ounces, and she was 16.5 inches long. I couldn’t believe how big she was, and that an hour ago she had been a part of me.
Later, the photographers from the organization Now I lay Me Down to Sleep arrived to take pictures of Patricia with us. They were very kind, and we are thankful for their presence that morning. My aunt and uncle also visited us and met Patricia. I don’t know how long we spent with her. Eventually, everyone left the room and gave Cliff and I the chance to say a private goodbye to our precious baby girl. In those moments, which will never be enough, we told her how much we loved her. We told her how much we wanted her and how sad we were that we would not get to see her grow up. We told her that she would always be our first child, and that we would remember her and love her forever. And we will.
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