Feeling Grey

Sometimes I get really low. My husband and I have termed this "feeling grey," as if a storm cloud is directly above me, following my every move. At this moment in time, I'm not there, likely because I had some wonderful snuggle time with Anna this morning. However, that could change in a second. I try not to play what I hear others call the "pain olympics" because I know everyone has a battle to fight, but I feel that I can state objectively that the past 16 months have been incredibly difficult for our family. Our lives have changed, our marriage has changed, I have changed. Some of the change in me will likely be for the better, though I'm not ready to consider that yet. Unfortunately, my journey as Patricia and Anna's mother has also brought deep-rooted feelings of anger and envy.

I know these feelings are normal after the loss of a child and after any traumatic and unexpected end to a pregnancy, including premature birth. I suppose I am writing this to let other women know that these feelings are normal, because they can also be very isolating and damaging to relationships. I am ashamed to admit that on more than one occasion in the past few weeks even, I have said aloud to my husband that I hate my life. This is not true, but when the tidal wave of grief hits, it often destroys everything in its path. I am only able to think about what I have lost. For Patricia, an entire life. For Anna, the dream of a typical childhood.

I feel safer when I am in my little family bubble (see this post). I miss Patricia every day and fear the unknown future with Anna, but the dark feelings are more likely to stay away when I can live in the moment. Alas, we must live in the world and this can be rough. For example, I have a very difficult time seeing pregnant women or hearing about their pregnancies. Social media has made this tough but I will say that if you are pregnant or have young children and you are not a fellow loss mom, you are hidden from my Facebook feed. When I see pregnant women out and about, it is often hard to control my emotions. Sometimes I feel anger, and I want to scream at the woman how lucky she is. Sometimes I feel envious, and I wallow in my own self-pity and think about how it should have been for me. Sometimes I just feel sad that I have lost my innocence about pregnancy.

I was surprised that it is not just pregnant women who are triggers for me. I also have trouble celebrating the joy of others. This one is also somewhat shameful to admit, but it is the truth. For example, recently we attended the wedding of a close friend of mine, a fellow sorority sister. She has found a fantastic husband and father for her young son, and I am truly happy for them. I am also crazy envious. Listening to them take their vows brought back memories of the start of our marriage, when we were so naive and full of hope. I miss those feelings. It didn't help that we left Anna at home and there were other babies there, one of whom was born only days after Patricia's due date. A painful reminder of what we should have. Looking at the adorable little girls dancing around the floor and wondering whether our Anna will ever walk was too much. Thankfully, my husband felt the change in me and we said our goodbyes early.

Time is not a magic fix for these feelings, but I do hope the intensity will fade in the years to come. I will not retreat from the world, but I will continue to seek out others who can provide support and understanding and hope that I can be of some help to others who find themselves on similar journeys.