Patricia's Songs

I strongly believe in the power of music as a therapeutic outlet for grief or any other strong emotion. When I am in the middle of a crisis, listening to particular songs I identify with helps me handle the emotions. For months after Patricia died, I listened to songs on the way to work that brought my grief to the surface. I would arrive a few minutes early and cry in my car in the parking lot. This time was so important for me. It made me feel connected to my daughter and to myself and allowed me to continue on.

Months or years later, listening to songs I identified with during a particular period of time allows me to re-connect with myself and my story. This is so necessary for me as some days I cannot believe my own story. I struggle to believe that this is my life. The following songs are, for me, reminders of my Patricia. I included the links, I apologize for the YouTube ads!

First up is Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years."  This song is light and beautiful. It can be perceived as sad, but also joyful. This is what I felt for Patricia just after her death. I was angry and in deep pain, of course, but I did not direct those feelings towards Patricia. She is my precious firstborn daughter, my forever baby. This song will always make my heart swell with love for her.

All along I believed 

I would find you

Time has brought 

Your heart to me

I have loved you for a 

Thousand years

I'll love you for a 

Thousand more

Another song I listened to often on those morning car rides comes from the Glee soundtrack and is titled "Keep Holding On." I have been a Glee fan ever since its debut and Patricia was also. Whenever we watched the show or listened to the soundtrack in the car, Patricia would wiggle and kick as if she was dancing to the beat. This particular song is a tribute to my relationship with my husband. I had never felt so close to him as I did just after Patricia's death. He is the only person who has experienced what I have, the death of a part of myself.

Keep holding on

'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Just stay strong

'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

Another Glee song I played over and over was "I Dreamed a Dream."  This song brought out the pain  and anguish I felt after my world came crashing down. The emotions I felt and still feel upon hearing this song are deep and raw. 

And still I dream she'll come to me

That we will live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

Another song I often cry to is "Come Wake Me Up" by Rascal Flatts. My grief comes from my love for Patricia and in a way, crying allows me to spend time with her the only way I can. Remembering her, loving her, missing her. I accept that she is gone and no longer feel as angry, but the pain doesn't diminish. 

Tonight your memory burns like a fire

With every one it grows higher and higher

And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love

I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back

Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming

Come wake me up

The last song I'll post is a more recent one, "Gone, Gone, Gone" by Phillip Phillips. I discovered this over the summer and since Anna has allowed me to feel more joy and fewer grey days, I can think about Patricia in a different way. Patricia will always be a part of our family and we tell Anna often about her big sister, but I want Anna to understand that death is a part of life and it is okay to feel good even though we have lost someone very important. 

Like a drum my heart never stops beating...

For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on.

I love you long after you're gone