Racing Thoughts

It's been a while since I posted. Lately I haven't been able to hold one train of thought long enough to create a post focused on any one topic. My mind races. Anna is showing signs of teething, including disrupted sleep, so my sleep is disrupted as well which may explain part of it. When I have constant semi-awake nights, I dream often and they are strange. Sometimes I wake up in a daze that carries over into my day. The days seem to be flying by and though many things are happening, I can hardly remember them.

I have a hard time staying in the present. I have always been future-focused but when Patricia died, I found it even harder to live in the moment. I wanted to live in an alternate reality, one where she was still alive. Now, I dream and daydream of what life would be like if Patricia were here and Anna were born on time or some variation of the two. I wish it could be so. My heart is still broken, and my thoughts and feelings are still affected by these desires that will never go away.

Still rambling. I do cherish special moments with Anna. I consciously make myself stop talking or thinking and stare into her eyes while she is nursing or playing. I know she feels my love when she slowly pulls off and smiles or reaches for my face and coos. These are beautiful moments that bring so many emotions to the surface and make me cry with tears of joy for Anna's existence and grief for moments missed with Patricia.

In October, I will be participating in the CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF Photographic Challenge for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Each day has a different subject and while I may not participate every day, I am excited to spend some time with Patricia. Because that's exactly what projects like this do, they allow grieving parents to spend time with our angels the only way we can. By doing this we are not living in the past, we are parenting. We are acknowledging our children and their impact on ourselves and our families. We are loving them.