Days 10 and 11: Beliefs and Emotional Triggers

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die?

I initially skipped writing about this yesterday because my first instinct when I saw the prompt was "I am so not ready to deal with this yet." However, as I drove home from work yesterday my mind wandered as usual and I realized that in the end, my belief system is quite simple. I believe in a God. I believe he created our world and the living creatures in it. I also believe the only way he actively works in our world is through people who call upon him for wisdom, guidance, and strength. He does not direct life or death or control any other events. He did not direct Patricia's death (or Anna's premature birth), nor could he have prevented either. The world he created progresses and evolves naturally.

I hope there is spiritual world, a Heaven, where Patricia is loved and nurtured, perhaps by her relatives who have left this world. I hope we may one day be joined together again, mother and child. I do not talk to her but to say I love and miss her and wish she were here in the flesh so I could cuddle and kiss her as I do her little sister. Occasionally I see her in my dreams, and she is beautiful.

Me around age 2 - how I often picture Patricia in my dreams

11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

I have many triggers. A song or TV show on Netflix Cliff and I watched the entirety of during my pregnancy, a Fall Festival we attended when I was pregnant, any mention of death or loss, the sight of a pregnant woman or newborn baby, a wonderful moment with Anna. All of these things bring out my own grief. I don't believe I will ever stop grieving Patricia. I will always have deep love for her in my heart, and grief is the manifestation of that love.

A TV series on Netflix we watched during my pregnancy that will always remind me of Patricia.