Days 5, 6, and 7: Memory, Ritual, and You Now

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

When I think of Patricia, I like to think of how amazing it was to carry her for the seven and a half months that I did. My pregnancy was wonderful. I felt great and never even had a hint of nausea. My husband and I joked that I was the perfect pregnant lady. I never felt more strong, beautiful, or confident. Feeling her kicking was incredible. We loved to put on music and feel her dancing. She loved the Glee soundtrack. When I think of Patricia, I try to think of how happy she made me feel.

Being silly on our babymoon a few days before she died

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

We have Patricia's photos all around our house. On her memory box in the living room, on the refrigerator in the kitchen, and a large collage in the hallway just outside our bedroom. Often I will blow her a kiss as I go in and out of the bedroom. I also like to stop there with Anna and show her Patricia's photos. 

On Anna's due date last year, my husband and I went on a short getaway to Hot Springs, Arkansas. I have always felt more at peace when in nature and we stayed at a wonderful B&B on a lake. It was a healing trip and it was then that we started feeling ready to give Patricia a sibling. On her birthday this year, Anna was still in the NICU so we didn't do anything particularly special. We may do something different every year, depending on what feels right.

On Patricia's due date in May 2012

7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

My grief ebbs and flows. Some days, I can remember Patricia and smile. Some days, the memory of her death is like a knife to my heart and I just can't believe how cruel and unfair the world can be. I often have to push aside my grief to get through what I need to with Anna. Our journey with Anna has been very difficult and often my grief over Patricia compounds the pain. In order to be present and engaged with Anna, I have to focus on her future. I don't feel guilty about this because I know if Patricia is a spirit capable of thought and emotion, she does not want me to stop living, and she wants me to be there for her little sister.  I mention Patricia often and tell Anna about her big sister, but I cannot let myself feel the magnitude of pain because it tends to overwhelm me.