Day 4: Legacy

4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

I'll admit it. I had to look up the definition of legacy. I mean, I knew what it means and could have used it in a sentence, but I have a hard time thinking of Patricia as having a legacy. Yes, she changed me and our family, but a legacy? I guess I've never really focused on HOW she changed me. I just know I am not the person I was before her death. 

The dictionary said a legacy is: something that is received from someone who has died. So what have we received? It's hard to put into words, but it all begins with love. From the moment we dreamed of her, Cliff and I loved her. From the moment we saw those two pink lines, we were a family. In planning for her arrival, we pulled on our strengths. I spent hours researching the things we would buy for her, dreaming of the life we would create together. Her daddy (the family chef) checked out stacks of pregnancy cookbooks along with books about baby's first year. Our love for each other grew as the months flew by and the excitement (and my stomach) swelled!

Visiting family in SF during 2nd trimester - so much joy!

Then, we endured what many long-married couples have confirmed to be the most difficult experience for a marriage: the death of a child. We went through a cycle which I now know is common for parents who have lost a baby. We initially clung to each other and never felt stronger. I wanted to spend every moment together because I knew he was the only one who understood what I was feeling. He was the only one who also lost a piece of his self. As the months passed and we began grieving in different ways, it got harder. Struggling with the array of feelings that come naturally with grieving, we had a hard time loving ourselves through the pain and guilt. Why did this happen to us? Did I do something to deserve this? Still, we both loved our family. 

The pure strength of love we held for our family and its future helped us to begin dreaming again. The changes that followed, including the desire to give Patricia siblings and a career change for Cliff, stem from this love. Ultimately, there is no reason or meaning in her death. There is reason in her life, short though it was. 

Our family is Patricia's legacy.