It wasn't until I became a mother that I experienced the phenomenon of truly dichotomous feelings. When I was young, I either liked something or I didn't. Someone either made me feel happy or sad. Life was easier then.
It began with Patricia. Having her in my life, carrying her for seven months and feeling her wiggle and dance inside me, experiencing the joy of impending parenthood with my husband. These things brought me more joy than I could ever imagine. When she died, my world collapsed and a gaping hole was left in my heart. Now, when I think of my sweet Patricia, I feel both incredible joy and intense pain simultaneously. With great love comes great grief.
I feel similarly with Anna. She is absolutely the light of my life and her smile makes the whole world better! It is true also that some of the events in her life have caused me great heartache, and my fear for her future is ever-pressing as each month goes by and she falls further behind. So much of this is normal parenting and I am aware of that. What parent doesn't fear for their child's future? And what parent doesn't want to snuggle all day with their infant one minute and be as far away as possible the next? (Thanks a lot, teeth!) However, I do equate special needs parenting to parenting on steroids. Every feeling is intensified, and only other special needs parents can truly understand.
I am trying to embrace all of these feelings and accept that adults live their lives not in black and white but in shades of grey. Some days, I am successful and can end the day on a positive note, feeling grateful for my family. Other days, I can't handle the conflicting feelings and the sadness and frustration wins. I spend the hours wallowing in pity, wondering why I have had to endure such tragedy and heartache and wishing things could just be better. I can't find the words to wrap this post up in a bow. Can you guess which type of day today is?
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