I Wish It Were 2013

On January 8th, Anna will turn one year old. I would be lying if I said I am excited for her birthday. Honestly, it is the 4th worst day of my life. She was not supposed to be born in January, she was supposed to be born in April. She was not supposed to have brain bleeds. She is supposed to be able to roll, sit up, hold a sippy cup with both hands, and maybe even crawl. But she cannot do these things, and it is all because of January 8th.

We had a nice Christmas with our family and Anna was spoiled with gifts and attention. But I wish we just celebrated Christmas 2012. I wish today were January 6, 2013 and I was 26 weeks pregnant with our perfect little Anna. I wish most of 2013 had not happened. No ventilators, IVs, feeding tubes, MRIs, surgeries, therapies, etc. etc. etc. I hate what she and we have had to endure.

Of course I am thankful. I am SO thankful for her beautiful smile and laugh, and for the amazing progress she has made given what we were told in the early days after her bleeds were discovered when were offered the possibility of taking her off of the ventilator. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends and the entirety of Anna's care team. However, being thankful does not mean I have to embrace every part of our journey. I certainly don't spend every minute feeling sadness and regret, but on days leading up to major milestones, I am flooded with these feelings.

We will honor Anna's first birthday with a small family gathering. I am not ready to celebrate, but we will honor the day we met Anna just as we do the day we met Patricia. I hope someday I will be able to celebrate.

No doubt Anna will enjoy her cake as she did her Christmas muffin!